Depressed

I am a bit depressed today. It does not happen that often, but this evening, I have this overwhelwing sense of "I can't do this anymore." Lately, the pain I feel from the damaged joints has been more constant than ever.

I always try sucking it up, but I have had to take a leave of absence from school because I was beginning to miss classes every week. After I found myself having to catch up as opposed to reading along with my classmates, I decided that maybe taking some time off was the best option.

My knees for a while stopped hurting so did my hips, but, all of a sudden all the joints are giving me such a hard time. Not being able to bend my right knee set my bad feelings in motion. I don't know why, I just became very frustrated.

In times like these, I wished I could have a break from all the pain I constantly feel. I don't want to wonder anymore what it feels like to be healthy or pain free. I feel bad for being in pain. I do not want my children to remember their mom always being in pain. I do not let the pain stop me from being a mother, but I do not want sickness to be part of their memory when they grow up. I hate it when my youngets one asks me if my back is ok before she climbs on my back to play with me.

Each time, I pick them up from school or when I wake them up in the morning, the first question they usually ask me is "Mommy are you feeling better?" I have never allowed my disease to define me, but I hate the sick person that I am. And more than anything, I hate the blood that runs through my veins.

I feel guilty for feeling sad because I know I should be thankful for all the blessings I have been bestowed.

In Christ