The Unpredictability of Life

This is 2015, it's been a while since I wrote on my blog. So much has happened. My kids are growing so big they are now teen, pre-teen, and almost pre-teen. I finished law school, though I have yet to take the bar. I fell sick three times either the week before the bar or a few weeks before the bar and was hospitalized. Frustration does not even begin to describe how I initially felt. Though, I am very grateful for being alive and for having my kids, I can't help some times but feel frustrated over my health and what it stops me from doing. It is ironic how when I was little and not quite aware of how serious my medical condition is. (My mom had kept it a secret from my brother, my sister and me) I had my life planned out. Right after high school I was going to go to college, after college, I was going to get into medical school and become a physician. I was going to have my own private practice and life was going to be awesomely awesome so to speak. I had no clue what life had in store for me. You would think by now I would be used to my health being on my way, but I still struggle to accept it.

After one of my hospitalizations, I was going to my hematologist's infusion room to get some hydration. Though I was very sick, my mind was on the bar exam that was happening without me. My husband was telling me not to worry about it when, one of the nurses who had been taking care of me heard him. She came to me and told me not to worry about that. She said that with everything happening with my health, I should just focus on my family and that I will take the bar exam whenever I am able to. She spoke to me for a long time. Oddly enough, I heard her, even though it is the same exact thing my husband had been telling me for years. Everyday I came in for hydration, she took a moment to talk to me. She gave me some scriptures to read and told me she would pray for me.

The unpredictability of my illness has been a factor that annoys me to no end, but I'm very thankful that God gave me a husband who has never complained about my illness. Each time I'm sick, he spends every minute by my side. He worries about nurses who may not understand my illness and not give me a blanket when I'm cold, or the doctor who may ask me questions such as: "Would applying ice help with the pain?" He is fiercely protective because he has seen his fair share of unprofessionalism from some hospital staff through the myriads of trips we've taken to the ER.

I'm also thankful for my daughters who have become my little nurses. They know what medicine is needed when. They know how to work my oxygen machine and never shudder with disgust when I have my bouts of bile problem that makes me vomit throughout the night. They dispose of the bags without any sign of disgust. They wipe my mouth and ask if I could drink some water. For these reasons, I know I should not worry about not being able to take the bar yet because I am lucky.
One time that I was sick, I saw how my daughters and my husband were all fussing over me, my mind drifted to one of our family friend.

When I was a teenager, we had a neighbor who later became a dear family friend. She too had Sickle Cell Anemia, but was a single mom of five. At that age, I had never thought about her situation. It was only then that I too realized how difficult it must have been for her being sick without help from anyone. When I'm sick, my husband takes a day or a few days off work to help with the girls. But when she was sick, there was no day off for her because she was all her children had in the home and the ones who were living at home with her were the three young ones who were ranging from age eight to six, the two youngest ones were twins. I felt immense gratitude for that moment and I thanked my family for being so wonderful.

Everyday, I thank my husband for being so selfless and loving and my daughters for being such old souls. I can't help but feel bad for what my illness does to my family and I apologize for it all the time. They told me to stop apologizing, but when in the middle of the night when children sleep, they are in the emergency room with me, barely sleep and then go to school in the morning or when I miss some of their events or whatever else happens, I feel horrible about it and that's why I apologize. The silver lining is that my daughters are very sensitive to people particularly those with health issues. But despite it all, the nurse was right. I should focus on the children and family God gave me. The rest is just a bonus.
God bless